Change

Change.

I hate change.

I have anxiety when it comes to change.  Change means moving on from the regular, the normal, the comfortable and embarking on the scary unknown.

I have learned to deal with change over the last few years.  To cope, I have had to learn to trust myself.  To trust that I am strong enough and smart enough to bend but not break.  I have learned that my rigid lifestyle was hindering my growth.

In the past, every time something changed, I’d panic. I spent so much energy trying to restore “the old” that I couldn’t see “the new.”

Now, change means so much more to me.

I was truly put to the test when S was born.  I was convinced I could continue to do it all and that nothing needed to change.  I tried to maintain my “past life” while embarking on a new adventure.

I believed that no one elses life should change just because my life was different. By this, I mean, work needed to continue to get my undivided attention. As well as I needed to maintain the relationships with my husband, family and friends at the same level as my pre-mommy days.  My motto was, “everyone deserves 100%.”

Well, it turns out there is only one of me, and I can’t be 100% for everyone and everything… I’ve tried, it’s impossible.

So, after failing at almost everything in my life, including my sanity, I decided that I needed to change.  I began to welcome the change that S had brought into my life. I began to be more forgiving of myself and began to be more honest with others. Old me would’ve told everyone “I can make it happen” no matter what the demand was.  New (changed) me began to let work, friends, family and my husband know when I was stressed and when I just couldn’t add one more thing to my schedule.

Change can be hard. It still is for me, most days. I get scared that I will lose friends, that I’ll “fail” at work, or that I’ll disappoint my family, but I’m learning. I’m learning that as I change and evolve, I’m more calm.  I have learned that when something changes my daily routine and I need to move on to “plan b” that I’m not a failure. In fact, I’m just the opposite. Moving on to plan b and being okay with the adjustment allows me to be more present and less stressed…I become a better nurse, wife, friend and mom.

When S was born, my life changed… I resisted this change and it made me a stressed out mess-of-a-mom who missed out on a lot of the joy that surrounds starting a family.  I won’t let that happen anymore.

This week has been full of change.  A moved out of her crib and into a big girl bed.  S moved into a brand new room, which previously was the nursery. We are now a “crib-less” home. To top it all off, I switched A’s clothes out to the next size up, as she will be 18 months old soon.  All of these things are bittersweet.  Instead of crying over my babies getting older, I’m choosing to embrace it.  It’s inevitable, I know, but in the past I cried over closet changes.  I was sad to move on from each stage and scared of what the next stage would bring.  Not today. Today I’m saying “bring it on!”

For each cuddle that goes away, I will gain giggles and “I love you’s.” For each feeding that is gone, I’ll gain a tea party and a helper in the kitchen.  Change can be great, I just have to continue to look for the silver lining in each “plan b.”

For me, change is no longer synonymous with the scary unknown, instead it means growth and adventure.

I am thankful everyday for S & A.  Not only because they are the sweetest kiddos, but because they have made me grow into a better person.  ❤

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